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My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Always a metermaid never a meter
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
What is going on? 😅
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.