Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
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Me: Same
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide