*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
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I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.