I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
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Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
at ease…shoulder.
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”