Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
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My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.