TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
You Might Also Like
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.