Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
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Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Catercrombie & Fish
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.