My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
You Might Also Like
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.