The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
operators are standing by to ignore your call
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see