If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
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My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
there’s probably a fee though
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
yes yes a thousand times yes!
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall