If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
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My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I’d hang this in my house.