Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
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The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Is anyone gonna tell them?
sistine chapel
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
That’s easy for you to say
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
stop
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.