To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
You Might Also Like
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.