Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
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A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
What if the weather talks about us?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!