me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
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My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?