I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
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[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.