My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
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[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My sex drive has a dui
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor