I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
You Might Also Like
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
The funk soul brother
pizza
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Hey I worked for it too!
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Flock of bats
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Noah was an idiot.