I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
You Might Also Like
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
what?
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials