The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
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Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Get off my horse you stupid moon
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.