how much for the angry fruit?
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Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.