The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
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Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
the #horror is real!
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
my first day as a raccoon
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
had to make it
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target