[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
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“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
We’ve all been there
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.