My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
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Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I’ve had worse
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no