Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
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Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.