me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?