Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
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Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.