what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
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I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Great Canadian literature.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
My birthstone is a marshmallow