When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
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me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.