Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
You Might Also Like
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
I want this so bad
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.