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Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]