Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
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I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too