“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
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[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
That lamp looks PISSED.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Phones down.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Lmao
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time