When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
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My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Brb my Sims are getting married
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.