Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
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What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.