Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
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Probably my best painting.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
March 16
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
Me: I really need to save money
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