Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
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When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”