If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
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(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Huge, if true.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful