random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
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nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?