[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
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One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?