Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
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What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.