Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
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You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*