Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
You Might Also Like
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
But I really needed water water water
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.