9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
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Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I know a bad idea when I see one.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.