50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
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Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.