tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
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Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread