*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
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You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Erm I’m gonna say no
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.