Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
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I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Beware…..
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?