We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
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A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Don’t touch that.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?