Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
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Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Cardio Made Easy
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you